“Let me conquer
My own jealousy that prevent me from seeing others talent and partake in their joy.

My own greediness that always turns me into the false protagonist of the day’s epic.

My own bourgeois moralistic mind that wants to shoot lines towards other opinions

And let me not put me or my as the first word in a sentence

And if you should see me loose this battle today, do not feed the enemy Myself.”

…

This is from Frigg Ragu’s Flickr. She wrote it today. And reading it has compelled me to write this post. I was going to write her a Flickr testimonial, but what I will do instead is link this post to there.

Anyone less in need of this prayer than Frigg I cannot imagine. And how do I know this? I recently told Frigg something that had to do with me. Not SL stuff, a personal matter in RL. Now, women (and forgive me for being sexist here, I am one myself after all) at least in my limited experience, can be master underminers. And it has nothing to do with how much they like or dislike you, whether they are your friend or not. Usually it is very subtle, hardly noticable. But more often than not, I tend to end up feeling shortchanged whenever I tell a woman of something that shows a certain strength that I might have. I leave with an uncertainty. No affirmation anyway. Not that what I told Frigg is really a strength as such. It involves a long and quite difficult to understand set of interrelated occurrences with a lot of sub-text which seems to somehow revolve around me. It would take a very subtle mind to “get” the thing even. Frigg has it. She has a subtle mind. And, more importantly, she is also generous. So, not only did she “get” what I was trying to tell her, but she also did not do the usual thing which I have encountered all too often in similar exchanges: The “oh, you are probably imagining it all…”, “it is all in your head…”, “you know, that happens to everyone…”,  “oh, that is just a coincidence…” … The subtext there being: “You are just an overly imaginative old cow, who is trying to make herself interesting by telling me a loonytoones story and then I am supposed to believe that?”. *(very subtle) snort?*…

I have yet to see Frigg turn herself into the protagonist of the day’s epic. In fact, if anything, she is a master listener. I have yet to hear her voice even one single bourgeois (or otherwise) pontification. And I have never ever seen her manifest jealousy and much less greed. She is a storyteller, someone of a depth of perception and an understanding of narrative sufficient to turn SL avatar poses into “expressive artifacts”.

How well do I know her? I first started noticing her on Flickr, through her comments and then became friends with her in-world late last summer. In SL, Frigg is the only person that I talk to everyday. We correspond via email also. I have collaborated with her on an intricate project over several weeks, with not even a single awkward moment anywhere along the way. No, I do not know her in RL and I am really hoping that I will some day. I do know that there she is very beautiful – which may account for the self-assurance which, as far as I can make out, seems to me the sine-qua-non of generosity. Not that all good looking women are self-assured to the point where they can also be generous but somehow in Frigg’s RL face there seems to be a strength and a clarity (which actually account for her looks) that I feel is important.

I am very very very glad that she is around…

…

Addendum: Of course what I said about women is a generalization and there are plenty around like Frigg herself who are nowhere near being emotional scrooges. My lovely friend Dina (who occasionally comments here as Ephemeral Emerald) is one such, for sure. And I know of others as well. Obviously. But, without generalizations there would be no statistical data, without which we would have no science – so, by and and large and exceptions notwithstanding, I am sticking to my guns, I’m afraid…
;-)

I am so glad that I can post this now, right after the last post. After having completely let loose about how I am so fed up with the mediocrity, the banality, the cliche ridden existence of contemporary art in general, it feels so good to be bowled over and wowed by this! Truth be told I am at the point where I no longer even bother, no longer go to art events, avoid biennials and such. I no longer want to be subjected to so much ado about nothing, to endless loops of grainy video with no tangible beginning and no end. I have had it!

And then along comes somebody and grabs you by the scruff of your neck and frog-marches you into the Haus der Kunst in Munich and you stand there gobsmacked, not to mention thoroughly ashamed of your all-encompassing big mouth from just a few days ago!

Well, maybe not straight off the bat, I have to admit. The first piece is gigantic and impressive. As I subsequently find out the massive construct was shown at Documenta where it collapsed during a storm and what I am looking at here is the relic corkscrewing onto itself in gigantic cylindrical segments. A relic assembled out of hundreds of doors and window frames torn out of old Chinese houses. Poignant, shocking. It is really quite stunning and I am duly stunned – and yet, and yet, I cannot help but feel that I am still facing “a problem solved”, the spectacular output of a master designer commenting on the “rape” of antique artifacts, in other words. Then come a number of three dimensional Chinese maps, delicately constructed wooden towers that are maps when looked at from above. Truly beautiful, but again, smells very strongly of a designer’s mind to me. Not that anything is wrong with that at all – I am one myself after all and have nothing but the deepest respect for my own trade. But art? Hmmm…. I wonder… I mean, I really am trying to co-operate here but at this early stage I am not yet convinced…

And then, we make our way into the central hall of the exhibition where a petrified forest awaits us and there I am totally blown away! This is certainly no master designer but an artist – a genius of an artist, in fact: This is the brink between order and chaos, a visual response to the question with no answer – presenting you with even more questions, even more riddles.

I am difficult by disposition (in the unlikely case that this might have slipped your attention somehow) and so inevitably some few details, such as the photos of the 1000 or so Chinese citizens whom Ai Weiwei brought to Documenta and which provide a background texture to the forest and especially the tent displaying their accommodations next door keep on niggling at me. I really do not want to see them. Why? Because again, they seem to bring in some kind of a “problem solved” thing which is so insignificant next to this sea of gigantic trees. Or to all of those heavy beams driven into those delicate antique tables on display in yet another room. And then there is a single table and a single beam in one other room and suddenly the whole exhibit, tree trunks and all, does a huge perceptual flip for me and I see Eros. Not Eros the cute little cherub equipped with bow and arrow but Eros the primal force. As in Eros the roof beam. But also the table. Many tables. The couplings of roof beams and tables. And then next door, huge chunks of trees, almost fossilized, arranged like the soldiers of the terracotta army. And also neolithic urns, thousands of them, so many in fact, that he has ground them into dust and placed them in glass jars. Some colored with aniline paint. Metaphors I almost understand and yet do not. There is a fight with human culture here – maybe. The insignificance of it – or maybe the significance – or maybe a contradiction grounded in culture. Really, I am not sure. But, am I glad I saw this! And at the height of my hatred of “contemporary art” at that!

So, who was it that dragged me kicking and screaming into the gallery in the first place then? It was none other than the human of Selavy Oh! There are very few people that I really seem to hang out with in SL, and Selavy is one of them. We first became associated while I was writing up the NPIRL blog post last June. Emailed back and forth about the work, met in-world a few times and so forth. After the post went up we made a pact: We would say hi to one another once a week. It seems that we are both very shy (yes, despite my loud mouth I am in fact very very shy and so apparently is Selavy), therefore unless we had had an agreement of this sort we would undoubtedly have gone our separate ways. But we have in fact kept up this pact and have hung out, mostly via email it seems. So, a month or so ago when I knew that I would be going to a conference in Munich, Selavy’s home town, we arranged to get together and have a coffee at least. Coffee turned into an almost 5 hour session, during which we first wandered through Ai Weiwei’s show and then through various streets and quarters of Munich, in and out of underground trains, punctuated by cups of coffee, a lunch during which I demolished 3 gigantic weisswuerschtl and Selavy’s human half a roast duck; more wandering, quite a few cigarettes (turns out we are thoroughly nasty old smoke stacks, both of us). During the entire time, I do not think that we stopped nattering even for one minute – or at least I didn’t for sure. And somehow Selavy’s human also managed to get a word in edgewise every so often, I guess. Which is highly commendable, of course: Shows persistence!

Not to worry. I am not going to go into any kind of a discourse over RL and SL and their respective merits and shortcomings now, would be very inane to still be doing so after 3 years of full time SL Residency anyway. Only one thing to say really: Human beings can smile. And avatars cannot.

Fact.

I have known about this for a little while now, and today she announced it. Bettina no longer wants to continue with the NPIRL blog. A very gutsy decision. One which has raised the considerable esteem in which I have always held her by a few more notches – if such a thing is even possible. She feels that it is time to move on, that the blog has served its purpose as it is. She is not holding onto something that she feels is no longer working as she thinks it should, but has the courage to let go. Remarkable.

She is one of the most special persons I have ever met. In either world. Any world. I love her. Today, more so then ever. Count me in Bettina! Wherever you go!

I am really in over my head! Doing too much all at once, for one thing. I am doing Burning Life. I am writing a book chapter for an academic publication which I am supposed to submit for review by the 12th. But, the one that totally terrifies me is this next one coming right up: Solbedoz Janus is a senior designer at Bell Labs as well as being a hardcore SL resident. He contacted me a while ago and asked me to participate in an event, to which back then I merrily said yes!?! !!! Yes??? As in yesss??? I really do need to get my head examined over here, don’t I?

So now, as the time approaches I am buried in engineering journals trying to put together a more or less plausible presentation, at least one that will not get me laughed off the lectern halfway through by a room full of telecommunication specialists: I am an invited speaker at Bell Labs in Antwerp on the 20th to give a talk on the impact of virtual worlds on the future of communication strategies… And don’t laugh – please! This is sooo not a joking matter from where I am standing – you have no idea!

I logged into SL for a hot minute just now and ended up having a brief conversation with Truthseeker in which all this somehow came out. And here it is folks:

….
[13:59]  Alpha Auer: and next thing – boing!!! i get this invite
[13:59]  Truthseeker Young: wicked!
[13:59]  Alpha Auer: if it was a regular thing – then yes
[14:00]  Alpha Auer: but apparently they want to discuss methods and strategies to communicate for the future
[14:00]  Truthseeker Young: oh cool!
[14:00]  Alpha Auer: bell labs = telecommunication
[14:00]  Alpha Auer: and they figure that virtual worlds will be a major thing then
[14:01]  Alpha Auer: but this is WAYYYY out of my depth
[14:01]  Alpha Auer: it is hardcore engineering stuff really
[14:01]  Truthseeker Young: yeah but there’s always gonna be a social layer
[14:01]  Alpha Auer: *sigh*
[14:01]  Alpha Auer: his words exactly
[14:01]  Alpha Auer: hhhh
[14:01]  Truthseeker Young: hahahaha
[14:02]  Truthseeker Young: I just think of spaces like SL as training grounds for all that augmented reality tech that everyone’s promising these days
[14:02]  Alpha Auer: again
[14:02]  Alpha Auer: his words
[14:02]  Alpha Auer: almost verbatim
[14:02]  Alpha Auer: hhh
[14:02]  Truthseeker Young: well, see? totally up your alley as well, then
[14:03]  Alpha Auer: but those engineers are gonna pelt me with rotten eggs and tomatoes
[14:03]  Alpha Auer: if i show up there talking airy fairy stuff
[14:03]  Alpha Auer: so i am reading up like a maniac
[14:04]  Alpha Auer: in fact i need to log off and read!!!
[14:04]  Alpha Auer: like NOW!
[14:04]  Truthseeker Young: heh alrighty
[14:04]  Alpha Auer: so i will see your house ASAP
[14:05]  Alpha Auer: (if i am still alive by then)
[14:05]  Alpha Auer: in fact if you pray or something add me in
[14:05]  Truthseeker Young: you got it
[14:05]  Alpha Auer: i’m an atheist unfortunately
[14:05]  Truthseeker Young: lol
[14:05]  Alpha Auer: so i need to ask others
[14:05]  Truthseeker Young: yeah but all that alchemy stuff actually WORKS
[14:05]  Alpha Auer: it does
[14:06]  Alpha Auer: hey! maybe i will tell them of my rejuvenation spheres!!!
[14:06]  Alpha Auer: now THERES a thought!
[14:06]  Truthseeker Young: there you go. they’ll love it
[14:06]  Alpha Auer: ok kiddo
[14:06]  Alpha Auer: byeeeeee!
[14:06]  Alpha Auer: i really gotta scoot
[14:06]  Truthseeker Young: even tho they may express that love in silent, unsmiling stares
[14:06]  Truthseeker Young: ok go read!
[14:06]  Alpha Auer: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[14:06]  Alpha Auer: HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
[14:07]  Truthseeker Young: :0
[14:07]  Alpha Auer: i am so gonna save this in a notecard!
[14:07]  Alpha Auer: !!!!
[14:07]  Alpha Auer: bye!!!!
[14:07]  Truthseeker Young: see ya
[14:07]  Alpha Auer: funniest thing i heard in ages!

Xiamara finally got her wish and we (that is me and the tribe) toured the avantgarde fashion haunts of London all day today. All in the name of research of course. I mean how am I supposed to keep my strength up as 5 fashion designers if I am not to get the occasional whiff of inspiration then and again? Started out with Camden Lock, progressed to Spitalfields market and ended up oggling at £2500 a pop pret-a-porter garments by Chalayan… Needless to say I did not indulge there (no matter how horrifyingly tempting his things were); although admittedly, I did manage to pick up a few odds and ends on the market stalls – teee heee. I mean research is all very well and good in its place, but one also needs clothes to cover one’s derriere. (The closetfull at home doesn’t count in this instance at all – of course!)

All the while, as I was having a whale of a time snooping around (and I have to say that some of the stuff that I saw today is extraordinary: incredibly imaginative, beautiful and well made on top of it!), I was internally ruminating on another matter entirely. What has brought this on is an ongoing email conversation with Bettina Tizzy. Not that it is all too directly related; but through some weird associative process this has made me think about why I only like some people. Why do I pick them out of a crowd and take them into my affections? As opposed to the countless others whom I leave outside?

I am not a people person. I do not spontaneously love everybody. I may not be as hard a misanthrope as my mother, who basically did not want to have anything whatsoever to do with humanity, but on the other hand I am most certainly not Pollyanna either. So, the people that I like, that I love, come few and far between. And here would be the question: Why them? How do I pick them?

So, without further ado, here is the result of my daylong ponderings:

I believe that it happens quite suddenly and spontaneously and usually after a prolonged period of what can at best be termed as lukewarm tolerance. And it happens because they do or say something totally absurd and idiosyncratic. Usually something very funny. But always something that shows me that they are quite loopy in their imaginative processes. In Bettina’s case it happened when one fine day, in the midst of a “serious” conversation  – bingo! she turned herself into a beagle and jumped on a swing. Until then, that very moment, I had thought that she was a perfectly nice sort of an acquaintance to have. I certainly respected her for the work she was doing on the NPIRL blog. But strong affection? That happened when she became the beagle – who continued the serious conversation without a twitch of a whisker I might add… That is when I suddenly decided she was totally lovable.

In the case of Truthseeker it happened when we spent hours perched on his/her rooftop waiting for imaginary enemies to attack his/her home. That day set the groundwork for my affection for sure, what clinched the deal however was when all his/her worst fears did in fact materialize a few weeks later.

In wolfie’s case it was the day he came stomping over during my early days of residency at Klein and instructed me in first defense tactics in view of an imminent attack that we might be facing from the Residents over at Ober. That did it!

In the case of Hack it was the day he got totally bored at an avantgarde sound art event and rezzed a plane in full view of the assembled audience, promptly boarded the thing and flew outa the place without so much as a backwards glance. Now, that is what I call a meaningful exit! hhhhhh

And the same applies to people in RL also. I do not cultivate relationships. I don’t give a rat’s ass for social niceties. I do not pick people because they are (or might turn out to be) beneficial to me in some way. I am not even remotely interested in all those so-called interesting people. In how they look, how stylish they are, how cool, how this how that… And yes: Not even “talent” I value when it comes to bestowing my affections on someone! Seems that my affectionate antennae only prick themselves up when there is absurdity in the air.

Love the stuff! And Thank God (and Phil Rosen) for SL! The place is teeming with it after all!

…

Note:

Just had dinner, during which I realized an unforgivable omission and came running back to take care of it: The list above is obviously not limited to only 4 people in both lives! I may be a tough nut to crack, however I am not completely emotionally petrified either you know… So, to all you other loved ones out there who are not mentioned here: Please be assured that you must have done something totally off the wall as well to worm your way into my affections. Trouble is, I cannot seem to remember what exactly it was – which would be pretty much the only reason your name does not appear above. (Given how there are only 11.3 of you altogether!!! hhh)

There! Fixed that! Now all my loved ones are taken care of!

Something I was going to add the other night and then forgot to do. Or rather, I could have done so obviously, even after posting the thing but then chose not to after all. This seems significant enough for a separate entry: My alts.

I am at the point where I am feeling them as completely separate persons. They are standalone entities with different pre-occupations and thoughts. Which is very strange. They originated from some part of me, surely they are me? But, it is definitely not how this all feels, how the game is progressing here. And, funnily enough, meeting with them, hanging out with them, is proving to be yet another incentive to stay in SL. Perhaps maybe even the strongest one?

Grapho, I am in awe of. Xiamara, I do not like. And neither, for that matter, am I too overly fond of Amina. She looks a bit like Priscilla Presley (not at all my reason for not liking her, I should add). But she is this type of flaky, droopy, overly innocent seeming female, the kind who contrary to all appearances of flakiness gets everything done exactly in the way she intends it to. In short, the type for whom I really do not have much time for at all. Devious, the word is, I suppose? And it is these two, whom I do not like, that I should probably be taking a really good close look at since according to the laws of projection in them would be embedded my deepest personality flaws. So ingrained that I probably have a hard time recognizing them in myself and mirror them onto entities whom I do not like? So, how horrifying is that? But, in all likelihood still very true…

The one that I do like is Alpho. I even like the way she stands around with her goofy chubby girl AO animations and then bursts into that freebie female power walk – so purposeful! hhh… She is the only one that I have given my own shape to amongst my alts (although I have distributed quite a few of them to customers in the shop – but that is another story…). However, Alpho is a furry and so whenever she is not making clothes she is a wolf designed by Leben Schnabel or a panther designed by a really talented furry designer, whose name I cannot remember off the top of my head. But much as I like her, she is someone else entirely. In fact, if anything, her separateness I recognize more readily than all the others. And Grapho too. He intimidates the living daylights out of me I have to admit, but I do like him as well. And I very clearly see him as his own person. A stranger, in fact. The others are separate and yet not strangers. Grapho however, is a stranger whom I have yet get to know.

I guess, this is what it was like to play with dolls? When I was a kid? I really can’t remember. grrr… What it is definitely like is hanging out with my animals. Distinctly separate entities.

Good job I have the outfit to do justice to the occasion! Made it myself and everything! Even my tail is a perfect match…

…

Well… One present anyway. And as for the other one?

Hmmm….

I would, of course, have to be a bit of a fool to consider what is presented in the following image as even remotely in the nature of a present:

Noob Philip Linden sculpty sculptures, arranged lovingly in a row by none other than Hack, gazing down upon us at alpha.tribe. So, are they placed there to keep us company during our lonely hours, toiling away on our little garment cottage industry over there? Or, are they in fact, what I very strongly suspect them to be? Stern mementos put in place to keep the tribe members on the straight and narrow? To ensure that we do not indulge in utterly objectionable behavior such as whipping off our underwear in front of all and sundry, as we are adjusting our clothes and skins? Reminding us that there could always be strangers present in front of whom such unseemly habits just simply will not do!?! (And that furthermore the Second Life camera is a most terrifyingly dangerous zoom gadget which these unknown entities could well be putting to good use from sims away, even as we speak!)…

True enough, they are all “away”, the Philip Lindens… But, as I know only too well from past experience, Hack has eyes in the back of his head. Extremely efficient ones at that. 20/20 vision!!! Indeed, a hawk is as blind as a bat by comparison… So, really – away shmaway…

Aaaah, well… Gift or sentry? In the end what does it matter? In these meager times one takes what one can get, in whichever package one gets it, I suppose: Obviously the guy gives enough of a damn to place relics that will remind us to behave ourselves at all times. No? Yes? hhh?

…

Quite a different proposition here with this one though (I am very thankful to be able to proclaim!):

Now, this is what I call a gift! Unequivocally so, in fact!

wolfie has placed a particle screen made of these amazingly elegant black cubes which emit wonderful particles, all perfectly coordinated with our color scheme (which Xia has foisted upon us with her silly red flowers, I might add), between the tracks and the piano! This must have been around for a few days, however, we only really noticed it yesterday: We have all been working on the opposite end of the upper deck, taking an endless series of photographs of ourselves against a green screen (don’t even ask, it’s a terribly long story, involving an RL relative, our cousin Murat…), so we were never near enough to set the particles into operation. Although we did notice something was going on since these beauties also activate themselves whenever the subway goes by!

It is really wonderful this thing. And it is wonderful that wolfie gave it to me…

…

But, again, as they say, never ever look a gift horse in the mouth: So, at the end of the day the sentries are as welcome as are the particles! ;-)

…

Something rather wonderful happened tonight. My beloved brother Yacov Sharir has finally entered SL and met me there for the first time. We did use Skype since Yacov is still a total noob who needs to be taught the ropes and using external voice seemed to be the easiest way of getting him there.

Yacov is not really my brother. But he and I have been calling each other brother and sister for the longest time now and I really do feel like he is an older, wiser brother to me. He is chock full of commitments and has a busy and happy social life: A great job at the University of Texas at Austin as well as a wonderful wife and family; so I seriously doubt that he will become as hooked on SL as I am. But he will be in world every then and again since his university has acquired some land and he will be building there. It will be so nice to watch him make the environment his own and so reassuring to me that he will be there – at least sometimes.

Yacov is wonderfully talented. He is a dancer and a performance artist who has fully integrated the virtual into his RL artistic practice, combining real and virtual dancers on stage. His Lullaby, in which a real dancer and a wireframe rendered virtual being do the most touching of pas de deux, has brought tears into my eyes whenever I have watched it. Like I said, it will be a treat to see what he does in SL, it really will be.

Yacov is intelligent, perceptive, truthful, open minded, funny and possesses great common sense – an attribute I don’t think that I am too terribly well endowed with at all unfortunately. So, tonight we had a long conversation about real and virtual lives, something that Yacov knows more about than most. And he said something which I want to put down here: He said no matter how many worlds, how many lives – we only have one personality/self to go around. We can never ever leave that one behind since we have no control over it whatsoever to begin with…

We can maybe fragment it yes. But its essence stays put, quite out of our reach…

This is Sitki.

I have 11 of them, cats that is, but he is the favorite. I get heavy hearted before I go on trips because I will be leaving him behind and sit on the edge of my seat on the ride back from the airport in anticipation of seeing him. He is a big (tall and long, as well as fat) tabby tomcat. He is also quite stupid. He drools in fact, that is how stupid he is. For such a huge guy he has a tiny miaow. And more often than not, not even a miaow – he opens his mouth and no sound whatsoever comes out. Really, he is nothing extraordinary at all. 

I found him as a tiny, emaciated kitten on my doorstep. That was 11 years ago. He was quite wild and it took me forever to even be able to get close enough to feed him, which would explain the terrible state he was in. People here feed cats on the street. When you walk down my block you can see all these food and water bowls set out. Not to mention the merchants in my neighborhood who are really wonderful with animals. Most stands and stores have their own cats and there is an army of fat, waddling dogs down on the market square, that are tagged on the ear by the municipality to prove that they have been vaccinated and are safe to be around. So, it would have taken a really shy and introverted feline personality to starve to death around here – which indeed is exactly what Sitki turned out to be. 11 years later, I am still the only one that he will come to. He is highly highly highly unsociable, hates his feline roommates (and they all hate him back btw) and he will go near another human only when he really desperately needs to be fed, most unwillingly and only when I am unavailable – like when I am traveling. But me he loves. And he lets me know that he loves me. I am his chosen one. And he melts my heart that way.

His size is really remarkable, he is huge. Big head, big shoulders, long tail. Huge paws. Fat big tabby belly, which he sometimes turns upwards when he sleeps. He sticks those huge paws up in the air and the big gut becomes revealed with all that mixed up tabby fur. Everyplace else his tabby patterns are perfect but on his stomach it is a reddish, grayish, brown mess. And then he dreams and these chattering chin movements and tiny screeches and grrrr’s happen. I love him. 

Cats have very distinct personalities. It takes living with 11 of them to realize how utterly differentiated they are. Even more so than us humans I would say, in that they are also completely uninhibited in displaying their traits. We adjust ourselves to the society around us and do our best to conceal our differences from the herd. (At least most of us, for most of the time). Not so with cats. So, I have complete introverts and extroverts, highly intelligent investigators and somewhat dull philosophers, agressors and defenders. Those that compromise and others that would sooner die than give an inch. Thieves and gentlemen. Floosies and prudes… Like I have this one cranky old woman who will position herself out on the front stoop crying in this god awful, plaintive voice to all the passers by. Those that aren’t in the know will say things like “Oh, this poor animal, I always see her here. Why is no one taking care of her?”. So, how embarrassing is that? Little do they know that she has just come out of a house where bowls are filled to overflowing with the best cat food that money could possibly buy? And that she has thoroughly stuffed her face before she stepped out there? Now why does she do that? Why this act of desolate, impoverished, unloved cat, desperately in need of attention towards the outside world?

Bahriye – the spectre at the feast… A nail to my coffin she is…

One thing that they all share is a highly developed ability to criticize. Anyone who has spent any length of time with a cat will be familiar with that gaze that conveys such utter depths of contempt towards anything and everything that it is surrounded by. Very judgemental little personalities they are. Sitki too, is extremely critical of all that goes on around him. Except me. Or is that my imagination? Or does his hard feline gaze really soften when he looks at me?

Huge paws I said. I do this very often: I put my foot next to his and I examine our respective toes side by side. His toes are considerably bigger than mine. Not my big toe of course, but my little ones are smaller than his big tabby protrusions. (It should be added here that quite a few of the others have pretty big toes too – but, as everyone knows, when it comes to these things, there are toes and then there are toes…). So why are his special? And why do I make such a fuss over them being bigger than mine? And why does that give me such an immense sense of comfort, I wonder? Yes yes. I know. I am completely loopy. Have been for all my life. But still?

And here’s another Sitki story, that I will tell to anyone that is willing to listen. So time to put it here too, I guess. But it really is a weird one, this story. All my cats go out. There are catflaps front and back in all of the windows. I live in the city center, in a vastly busy urban area but luckily it is also a pedestrian zone and like I said before most of my neighbors are thoroughly animal friendly people. Sitki too goes out every so often. About 2 years ago he went out and didn’t come back. I have no idea where he was or what happened to him. (He returned completely filthy but with absolutely no weight loss so this one really is a mystery). As can be imagined I was totally and completely beside myself. I searched the entire neighborhood. And not only me: Every shop and stall keeper in Besiktas was on the lookout. There were little lost signs in every shop window and on every lamp post. Not a day would go by without numerous reportings of the sighting of a likely tabby cat somewhere. The Boss searched every animal shelter in Istanbul, over and over again. We had the municipality on alert, garbage collectors were notified to examine the trash for a tabby body. During the first weeks I was frantic and then slowly I went into mourning. I was disconsolate. Everyone around me knew. My students tiptoed around me. Friends would bring me back treats from the cafeteria. I was a mess. Cried on the shuttle.

And then here is what happened: I am a very heavy smoker. In fact I am more or less a chain smoker. And like all really heavy smokers the one place above all others, where I love to smoke is (or was) in front of the computer. Where I smoked even more, where every inhale was pure unadulterated bliss. This is a time long before I had even heard of Second Life. But, Second Life or not, I have been a thorough geek for 15 years or so now, spending a good 10 hours a day in front this blasted thing – smoking smoking smoking. So, one evening as I was sitting here, suddenly this thing came into my head and I said it out loud: If Sitki ever comes back, I said, I will never ever smoke in front of the computer again. This was the 26th day of his absence and that night he came back. 

And I have kept my word. I have not smoked a single cigarette in front of the computer since that day.